First, let me take you back to my college days.I was an engineering graduate. Being a graduate of a course that is male populated, you probably expected me to have a multiple ex-boyfriends. But guess what, it didn't happen. I had my first boyfriend when I was at my second job already. Two years after I graduated.
I don't know what's with me. I mean, I know I'm not that pretty, but I strongly believe that I am not ugly either. #selflove2020. I don't know if men are just scared of me because I'm too extrovert for their liking or, I am not appealing enough for them to approach me. (BTW, this is still a true story up until this time) To cut the story short, I was never a girlfriend during college, but I was always "that friend".
Always so accommodating
Two years before graduating, I met this guy through our organization. Both of us are officers representing our year. I remember having a crush on him when we worked together during the org's event. Exchanges of number happened then we texted. Consistently. Of course, I, being my marupok self, got attached. I got so invested. I'll always remember this one iconic event that I had with him. I was in the mall when he texted me to buy dinner for him before his field trip. Yes, I gladly obliged. I had to go back to university at 11pm just so I could give him his dinner before their bus leaves at midnight. And I wasn't even his girlfriend then. (What a stupid stupid girl).
I know at some point, I was already showing how much I like him. Like how much I was willing to stay up late just to call him so he can wake up in the middle of the night for review. Waking up early and going to school at 8 when my class starts at 10. (My friends know this, I am not a morning person. So if I wake up early because of you, you should feel freaking special) I know he was not that stupid not to notice. But then, one day, he decided to have a girlfriend. Plot twist: It wasn't me. (Play: It wasn't me by Shaggy). Like??? Okay?? He was so happy when he told me that. So all along, whether consciously or unconsciously flirting with me, he was also flirting with another girl. What a ____. You readers can fill in the blank. I am sure you know what to call him.
When this happened, I was heartbroken. I was already invested. But again, I was also blaming myself. He was clear with his words that we are friends. I just assumed that his actions towards me was special, that I got attached. Then my best friend, told me, "It's not that you are assuming. You are just too available, too accommodating". Then it hit me. Maybe, he really did took advantage of the fact that I like him, and I was willing to do anything for him. Like I said, what a ___.
That friend
I have this friend through out college. A guy friend. We are so close that even with just one look, we can understand each other. Especially if it's a mischievous thought. I remember, one friend was amazed to witness that. We were both in the hallway, then suddenly, we looked into each other, then laughed out loud. My friend who witnessed the encounter was both in awe and bothered why we were laughing so much without even talking to each other.
Back then, I knew that our batchmates are speculating. Either they think that something is going on between us, or that I liked him more than a friend. I remember that he had a short lived relationship with a batchmate and this girl was looking daggers at me whenever I would to talk to him. (Girl, hindi ko aagawin ang dati nang sa akin. Charot!) I never confirmed these speculations. But I think they knew already. So since this is all in the past, might as well admit it. Yes, I liked him. At least for the first years of my college life. I mean, what is not to like. He is intelligent, funny (at least to me), gentleman, and of course good looking. But when he had his girlfriend, I realized that I value our friendship more than what we could've been. I don't know if he knew, but I know that he is not dumb.
He might be my great what if, or the one that got away. I am not sure what to call it. But whenever I imagine of him as my partner, I would like to believe that we would work out. Because we are great as friends. Unfortunately for me, he never saw me as more than his friend, his bro or his buddy. And over time, I have accepted that, and I realized that wouldn't have it any other way. We are both happy with what we have right now and I'm glad keep our relationship until this day.
It was never a bad thing.
I think being "that friend" was never a bad thing. Realizing it now, do I really want to be with someone who flirts with everyone until he finds the one? Or do I want to gamble with a good friendship that I had just because I think that I like him? If I will go back, I would probably do the same thing. One common thing about them is that they don't want me to be their girlfriend. I guess they don't like me enough? (then we go back to my post about the landi that dies naturally) I think here is where I got my mantra, "That if they want you, they will have you, no matter what the circumstances are."
I also think that I will never change on being accommodating. I like me that way. I like that I am always willing to help. I feel good about it. But of course, I would be more cautious now. Although just recently, I had another encounter, but let bygones be bygones. (Okay, you have all the permission to judge this stupid girl. She is such a/n _____ magnet).
And with that, I will leave you with another quote from the movie Paano na Kaya.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Nikki
Back then, I knew that our batchmates are speculating. Either they think that something is going on between us, or that I liked him more than a friend. I remember that he had a short lived relationship with a batchmate and this girl was looking daggers at me whenever I would to talk to him. (Girl, hindi ko aagawin ang dati nang sa akin. Charot!) I never confirmed these speculations. But I think they knew already. So since this is all in the past, might as well admit it. Yes, I liked him. At least for the first years of my college life. I mean, what is not to like. He is intelligent, funny (at least to me), gentleman, and of course good looking. But when he had his girlfriend, I realized that I value our friendship more than what we could've been. I don't know if he knew, but I know that he is not dumb.
He might be my great what if, or the one that got away. I am not sure what to call it. But whenever I imagine of him as my partner, I would like to believe that we would work out. Because we are great as friends. Unfortunately for me, he never saw me as more than his friend, his bro or his buddy. And over time, I have accepted that, and I realized that wouldn't have it any other way. We are both happy with what we have right now and I'm glad keep our relationship until this day.
It was never a bad thing.
I think being "that friend" was never a bad thing. Realizing it now, do I really want to be with someone who flirts with everyone until he finds the one? Or do I want to gamble with a good friendship that I had just because I think that I like him? If I will go back, I would probably do the same thing. One common thing about them is that they don't want me to be their girlfriend. I guess they don't like me enough? (then we go back to my post about the landi that dies naturally) I think here is where I got my mantra, "That if they want you, they will have you, no matter what the circumstances are."
I also think that I will never change on being accommodating. I like me that way. I like that I am always willing to help. I feel good about it. But of course, I would be more cautious now. Although just recently, I had another encounter, but let bygones be bygones. (Okay, you have all the permission to judge this stupid girl. She is such a/n _____ magnet).
And with that, I will leave you with another quote from the movie Paano na Kaya.
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| Image from Google |
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Nikki
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