On Lies, Trauma and Everything in Between

Hello, reader

How are you? It's been a while since I wrote here in my blog. I said before that I want to write more here, however, I seem to lack the commitment and idea to write here weekly. 

But after months of hiatus, here I am sharing my thoughts again.

Life Update

I am now staying in my hometown. I have been working here for a year now, and so far, life is treating me well. 

I also now have a side hustle. Never in my life have I imagined that I will earn from writing, but now I am earning a decent amount of money from writing articles. I am still amazed that there are people out there that are ordering from me, and I am very much grateful for them. Because of your orders, I can sustain online shopping without having to worry about my bills. :)

Bumble-ing

This year is the year that I turned 30 plus years. My age now is a value that cannot be found in the calendar anymore. So yes, I am old enough. After being stuck at home for almost 2 years now, I realized that I would like to explore dating again. Or at least exploring if there are still options for me out there. 

So I tried Bumble. 

I have been in and out of Bumble during these isolation times. Whenever I am bored, I would install the app with the hopes of finding someone sensible to talk to. Of course, there is that teeny tiny wish that, that someone could be the one. 

And I met someone. 

I would tell you everything about this guy when everything works out. But for now, let's just say that I met him and we have been talking since then. However, I realized one thing. As much as I want to give him a chance, I cannot seem to trust him fully. Not his fault though. 

Lies and Trauma

I don't remember that I am this doubtful during my 4-year relationship. But probably because of the lies and the toxicity that my previous relationship had brought me, it seems that I had to be reassured constantly. I always had the thinking that he might have someone else. A wife, or a kid in hiding. Or that he will eventually let go of me once he found someone that is near. 

I am not like this before. Trust me when I say that I don't like having these huge trust issues either. But can you blame me? I had a partner that was so insecure and so self-centered, and I endured that for 4 years. Imagine all the trauma that I got. I have been so accustomed to the fact that men cannot be contented with one partner that I have already accepted the fact that sooner or later, they would go find somebody else. 

Hoping for the Better

I know I am a strong, independent woman. I can live on my own. I have accepted that. That I will grow old alone in my beach house. But when somebody comes into your life and shows you the possibilities, you cannot help but think about a different future. I am hoping for the best. I am hoping that eventually, all my doubts will go away. All these feelings and this constant need for reassuring can be controlled. After all, this guy had been tolerant about all my whims from the very beginning.

And who knows, maybe, just maybe, I have found my happy ending. 

Image from Pinterest

Love, 

Nikki